In memory of a very special friend
Cilly (Sarah Bat Leah) Eitje-Richheimer z.l.
Amsterdam, 1946-2019, 30 Nissan 5706 – 6 Tamuz, 5779
Introduction (Part 1 of 2)
“One must also learn to read books against their declared intention.”
—Gershom Sholem
This is a first and provisional attempt to write a spiritual autobiography in a series of short essays also called “Faith and Defiance, the Spiritual Journey of a Religious Rebel. A Contemplative Autobiography”. I have been asked to do so by many of my readers and students after the publication of my short autobiography, Lonely but Not Alone (published in 2013) (accessible online here). In that booklet I tried to reveal something of my unusual history and my unconventional thoughts on Judaism. It sparked much debate and received both approval and strong opposition. Thousands of copies were distributed or sold.
This new extensive autobiography, divided into short chapters, is not a book of memoirs, but a window into my soul. Besides the request to write it, it was also an assignment I had to undertake because an inner voice told me to do so. I could not escape the challenge.
I do not know how it will turn out and whether I will fully succeed in this endeavor. Time will tell. The reader should, however, be aware that this first attempt will only reveal one highly unusual layer of my life and my thoughts. Later on, when my spirit broadens, many more tiers will be added to this account of my experiences, reflections and insights.
These thoughts and experiences are not written in a logical, chronological sequence. They are written as they come to me. There is “no earlier and there is no later”. So you, my reader, will be thrown in the middle of all this and will need to place these reflection within your own life experience.
The life of every human being is a history of self-expansion, specifically of that which takes place in the subconscious. It is the great reservoir from which most of our thoughts and deeds emanate. As such, a spiritual autobiography can never be objective or scientific. We cannot see ourselves as a scientific problem. We are much more. Science works with general criteria and is therefore unable to penetrate the subjective, multi-dimensional sphere of a human being.
The problem with a spiritual autobiography is that there are no real criteria to work with. One does not have an objective way to judge what is happening within oneself and why one believes what one believes, or rejects what one rejects. One may make some good arguments, but they seldom convince anyone contrary to her or his inclinations.
There are no points of comparison or contrast, so I can only tell my story as I experience it. I can see myself “sub specie aeternitatis”, from the perspective of the eternal, but it is incomplete. I can’t know whether my autobiographical insights are objectively true. Nor is it important. What is important is only one question: Is this my story, my truth?
This autobiography was partially written in the early days of the recent outbreak of the Coronavirus pandemic, in which I, like so many others, was confined to my “study,” but as the essays will reveal, on a deeper level, it was written as an expression of my existential loneliness, which is not always easy to live with, but has become the foundation of my life and thoughts. Still, I am surrounded by a great family and many friends and students. This is an enormous blessing and has made it easier to bear this existential solitude.
I know that I am unlike others, the product of an unusual life, a psychic process, which I control minimally. But I do not know how to describe this difference since I have no clear picture of who I am. Nor can anyone else, because much of the inner composition of my psyche is also unknown to them. The truth is that I have lived and still live a deviant life, which some people will have difficulty relating to. There are too many conflicting, disturbing and mysterious layers.
I do not even know when my conscious life began. At my birth, while growing up, or now that most of my life is behind me? Conscious life probably starts with the first memory; by chance. And all one knows is that it is complicated. What really happened? I am not sure. There are some external moments that I remember, but how did they affect me? I do not know. I only see and feel some results. Not much more.
So, I can only relate the experiences of my inner life and thoughts as personal, subjective encounters with myself. Even now that I am writing these essays, trying to formulate my thoughts and experiences, I know that I can only write the feelings, thoughts and moods of this moment. Tomorrow, when I continue to write, the thoughts and feelings will probably be different. True, my external story remains the same, but the way I experience it will, in all likelihood, be radically different.
What constantly surprises me is that our consciousness tries desperately to make sense of our experiences. Quantitatively, some of us deal with our lives as if our lives go on for a very long time, or even forever, but life’s moments pass much too quickly and are completely unreachable on a qualitative level. It is a complete miracle that something can come of it and that it can actually develop. Life is a process of the soul’s development, nourished by dreamlike appearances that create our inner lives. It is like a plant whose life is in its roots, which are unseen and hidden underground. All we see are a few leaves making short appearances, which quickly wither away. But “Das Ding an Sich” (the thing itself) is unknown.
When thinking about this, we sometimes get a feeling of meaninglessness. But we simultaneously sense that we are connected to the eternal roots underground, and these are of infinite meaning. What we see is the blossom, which is sometimes beautiful and other times ugly. But both disintegrate. Only the roots underground hold their own.
To be Continued.
You’re not alone in how you feel and you probably already know that by now.
I heard one of your lectures while you were in Sydney and was blown away by the relatability of your ideas.
I am from a fully Jewish background, but an entirely secular one. Mixing the two together – secular and religious worlds has created by now in me such a schism that I am not sure where to progress to. It seems I lived two lives interchangeably. People knew how divided I was. Integrating the two is so difficult. I’m very impressed by your ability to have your multiple parts within you simultaneously.
It’s too difficult for me. I end up near-abandoning one in order to live a life of relative stability. But never fully abandoning the others – always feeling I am being untrue to my self if I abandon either.
The Torah says that you may not necessarily be able to fulfil all of its precepts at the moment, but do not quieten the difficulty in your heart by trying to convince yourself that an easier way is the truth. Ok, so I’ll live my life, pursue what I enjoy and feel I was born to do.. while simultaneously holding the belief that it’s not the best.. um.. it’s difficult. Then again, you managed to point out that an intermixed marriage could be simultaneously not permitted and yet be brought about for a greater purpose by Hashem. So, I suppose these are the paradoxes with which a Jew is required to live one’s life. It is a comfort to know that Hashem is so great and compassionate and complex. He created us in our complexity, so He must not only have room to tolerate our “misgivings” but somehow perhaps require them for the world?
Don’t sin. But everyone is judged at a different level, appropriate to themselves. And Hashem gave us each our own set of skills which inform our life purpose. But that particular skill is forbidden to be used by Torah in this context… well, then I can’t fulfil my mission. Well, if it were your mission it would be permitted by the Torah. But everyone is judged on a different level.
Can you provide any insight into this?
Let’s take a random example of someone I know:
If a virtuosic young Jewish violinist who has grown up reform must play on Shabbat in order to have his career, what say you?